By Caitlin, The Rope Contributor
I got my graduation checklist email from Auburn (yes they sent me a list, they must know how much I love them) the other day and I came to a scary realization…I am about to graduate from college. I am about to officially enter the big girl world where I have to work and be responsible, and I’m a little scared.
It’s a weird thought, isn’t it? On May 9, I will still be a student like I have been since kindergarten, then May 10, at about 6 p.m. I won’t be anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than excited that I don’t have to worry about math homework or science labs or any of that, but it’s still nerve wracking to think that I will be an actual adult.
I’ve been thinking about why it is I’m so nervous. I’ve never been one to shy away from responsibility —I’m the oldest sibling so I’ve always had to be responsible, or at least appear responsible. I also know that I have a good work ethic and am a pretty competent person so it isn’t going to a job that lasts longer than summer break that scares me. I love adventure and new things so meeting new people or having to move away don’t scare me either, not really.
Then it hit me — I am scared of not knowing what I will be doing or even what I want to do. In my past few posts I have mentioned trying to turn this fear over to God and trying to get over my love of knowing what is coming next. The truth is, I have a hard time accepting a future that I know nothing of.
It isn’t that I don’t think God has everything covered, I know he does, it’s more that I wish He would let me in on the plan.
Once I discovered that this is my main fear I started trying to remember other times in my life where I was uncertain and things worked out. I thought this would calm me down and make me feel better…I was wrong. I couldn’t think of one example that compared to the situation I am in now so obviously I just freaked myself out even more.
Most people have experienced some sort of uncertainty by the time they are 21, I really haven’t.
A lot of my friends moved at least once in their lives, meaning they had to make new friends and get to know a new town, I have lived in the same house since I was 2 and the move wasn’t very traumatic for me at that age.
Most people have some kind of relationship uncertainty in high school and college. I, luckily, have not. I have been really lucky in the friends I have chosen and the guys I have dated.
Now you’re probably thinking, “You moved away to college, that probably caused some uncertainty.” Ah, normally you would be right, but this time you happen to be wrong. I wanted to go to Auburn for as long as I can remember, it is the only school I even applied to. I was excited to make new freinds, but I knew enough people from high school to not be nervous about being alone. I have been there for almost four years and I have loved every single minute of it.
This probably adds to the nervousness I am feeling now; I wanted to go to Auburn, I looked forward to it for years and it lived up to every expectation. I don’t want to leave.
Back to being scared of an unknown future. It is one of those fears I think every person experiences, but no one can appease your fear. It’s kind of like skydiving (which I am not scared of in case you were wondering), you could see 50 people jump out of the plane and land safely on the ground, that doesn’t make it any easier for you to jump.
I am trying my hardest to lean on God in this time of uncertainty; He is after all the one person who doesn’t experience uncertainty at all. My mom would tell me to “buck up” because I have to move on, I have to get a job and make new friends and possibly move away, I have to because that is how life works. That doesn’t make it any easier, but I guess life isn’t supposed to always be easy.
I have 94 days until I graduate. So about three months to learn to love, or at least tolerate, uncertainty. I am ready for whatever God has in store for me once I walk across that stage.